


Flashes

by regenderate



Series: Fanzine Prompts [6]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 10:44:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20388421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regenderate/pseuds/regenderate
Summary: It just takes a flash of blonde in a crowd, an echo of length and texture. The Doctor always turns her head ever-so-slightly before she remembers— everyone in the crowd is a stranger.(Written for Thirteen Week Day 1: Deja Vu)





	Flashes

It’s always the hair. 

It just takes a flash of blonde in a crowd, an echo of length and texture. The Doctor always turns her head ever-so-slightly before she remembers— everyone in the crowd is a stranger, except her fam. And neither Graham nor Ryan nor Yaz is a blonde. 

Still.

There’s always a part of her that holds out hope.

Because impossible things happen.

They happen all the time, to the Doctor. Captain Jack came back (was brought back) to life, over and over and over again. Why couldn’t the walls of a parallel universe be broken down?

It’s been over a thousand years since she last saw Rose Tyler, but somehow, the Doctor holds out hope. 

It’s not just Rose, of course. It’s everyone. But Rose was the first person she met after the Time War, and the first she loved after losing everything, and the one who absolutely with one hundred percent certainty cannot come back, and so even a hint of her hits the Doctor right in the chest. She gasps, and Ryan or Yaz or Graham asks what’s wrong, and she just shakes her head.

“Nothing,” she said. “Just thought I saw something.”

But she’s still on edge. 

It’s funny, because eventually they wind up in London in 2004, and the Doctor isn’t thinking about Rose at all. They’re in a totally different part of the city, they’re running from completely new monsters, there’s a lot to be getting on with. She doesn’t miss Rose or anyone else any more than usual; it doesn’t rise above the constant thrum of ImissthemitwasmyfaultIwanttoseethemagain that was always beating in her chest. 

Until she sees a flash of blonde.

In the middle of running.

And she stops in her tracks as she realizes: it’s 2004. London.

Rose Tyler is alive.

But then Ryan yells, “Doctor! What are you doing?” and Yaz grabs her arm and the Doctor can’t dwell on it, she can’t, there’s so much more she has to be worrying about.

That’s the trouble with being a Time Lord. So much to worry about. 

Right now, the Doctor is worrying about the risk of seeing people before they know who she is. She’s done it with Rose before, of course, but on purpose, and in controlled circumstances (or, well, as controlled as they get). And River— well, River never didn’t know, but still. There was a time when the Doctor met River and River didn’t know her own name. She’s seen Captain Jack a couple of times over the years, too, back in his Time Agent days, before she and Rose barreled into his life. 

It’s not so much that it’s dangerous for the people, of course, to meet the Doctor before they’ve met the Doctor. Not beyond the usual risk of hanging around the Doctor, at any rate. As long as she doesn’t tell them who she is and doesn’t hang around that long, it’s fine.

It’s just painful. 

The danger is in the pain. 

But the Doctor doesn’t have time to think about this, because she’s running, and that flash of blonde is still in her mind, and Yaz’s hand is still on her wrist, and there’s yelling and explosions and it’s all a bit much.

Later, though. After they’ve won. They’re in a chip shop (Rose took her to a chip shop, she remembers, after their first adventure) and the Doctor can barely focus on her food, even though the one constant throughout all of her regenerations has been that she loves chips. She knows Ryan and Graham and Yaz have noticed something is off, but they haven’t said anything. They’re just joking with each other. She loves them, she realizes, her new friends who are kind and considerate and try their best to give her what she needs.

(She’ll miss them, down the line.)

“I have an old friend here,” she says, finally. The others stop their conversation immediately.

“Here in London?” Yaz asks.

“In London,” the Doctor says. “In 2004. She doesn’t know me yet.”

“What do you mean, she doesn’t know you yet?” Graham asks. 

“Time travel,” Ryan reminds him. He takes a chip off Graham’s plate. Graham looks like he’s about to protest, but then the Doctor speaks.

“He’s right,” she says. “She won’t meet me for another year. Well, or about six months, depending on how you count it.” She hesitates. “It’s not the first time I’ve come back.”

She’s told her friends a lot about her past. The fun parts, at least, the adventures, the wild bits. But she hasn’t talked as much about her old friends. She just sort of refers to them as “a friend” or “my companion at the time” if she has to, and otherwise she limits stories to chance encounters only, deeds from people she’ll never see again. She tries, sometimes, to talk about the bigger stuff— Bad Wolf, the year that never was, the Pandorica— but she can’t, somehow. It’s too big. Too important. (Too painful.)

She’s not sure what’s different now. Maybe it’s just being back in London, knowing Rose is out there somewhere. If they do see her (they won’t, she’s sure they won’t), she wants them to know what it means.

“Anyway,” she says. “She was brilliant. Got locked in a parallel universe and still managed to come back.”

“Why don’t you travel with her anymore, then?” Ryan asks.

The Doctor shakes her head.

“That was over a thousand years ago,” she says. She can hear Ryan’s exhale at hearing that. “Anyway, she would’ve traveled with me forever. But I sent her away with a copy of myself.” She remembers it again, that day on the beach, not telling Rose she loved her. “I don’t know if that was the right thing,” she adds. She feels tears at the corners of her eyes and quickly stuffs a bit of fish into her mouth to cover. “Anyway,” she says, her mouth full. “Just wanted you to know. In case we see her.”

“Of course,” Yaz says, and changes the subject. A banter begins, and the Doctor looks down at her food until the tears stop pricking at her eyes.

Because the Doctor is looking for it, she sees six more flashes of blonde on the way back to the TARDIS. None of them are Rose.

“I miss her,” she admits once they’re inside, leaning against the console. “Rose.” 

“Of course you do,” Yaz says. 

“Go see her, then,” Ryan says.

“I can’t,” the Doctor says.

“The way I hear it,” Graham says, “your whole face has changed since you saw her last.”

“It could ruin her whole timeline,” the Doctor says. It’s true, but it’s not likely. If she’s honest with herself, which she rarely is, she’s just afraid of the pain.

“It’s worth the risk, mate,” Ryan says, and the Doctor sighs.

“All right, then.” She looks at the others. “Come with me?”

They leave the TARDIS again and start walking together. It’s evening, so the Doctor thinks maybe they’ll just go down to the estate, wander around the nearby shops, see if there’s anyone she recognizes. 

They’re only halfway there when it happens.

Rose Tyler and Mickey Smith stumble out of a restaurant right in front of the Doctor, laughing and holding hands.

The Doctor trips on her own shoelace and falls to the ground. 

Rose is right there.

“Are you all right, ma’am?”

Rose is touching her shoulder. 

The Doctor turns her head and sees Rose’s eyes, exactly like she remembered.

“I’m fine,” she says through a lump in her throat. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt your date.”

“’S all right,” Rose says with a smile. She moves her hand away, and the Doctor’s shoulder suddenly feels cold. “Need help getting up?”

“I’m fine,” the Doctor says, and she pushes herself to her feet. “Thanks.”

Rose gives her another smile. Her smile’s always been so bright, the Doctor thinks. She smiles back, trying to match.

“See you around,” Rose says. 

“Sure,” the Doctor replies. Her tongue is heavy in her mouth. There’s so much she wants to say here, to Rose, but she can’t. Not to this Rose.

And then Rose turns back to Mickey, takes his hand again, and walks away, and the Doctor turns back to her friends.

“That was her,” she says. “Rose.”

The others don’t say anything. Ryan and Yaz put their arms around the Doctor on either side, and they walk together back to the TARDIS and into the library and don’t leave her side until all four of them are asleep on the sofa.

She misses Rose. She’ll miss her new friends someday too. But for now, she’s just glad she’s not alone.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> is it really a doctor who prompt week if i don't fit rose into every single story?
> 
> anyway. check out thirteenfanzine.tumblr.com and @thirteenfanzine on twitter, there's going to be another zine and submissions open september 1!


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